Justin’s Movie Reviews Episode VIII: Fate of the Furious

I still can’t believe they made eight of these damn movies. I don’t even want to talk about this movie. It’s not that it was bad or anything. It was just so god damn unbelievable on several fronts that it makes it nearly impossible to dissect with any sense of realism or true fault. So, rather than just sit here and go through little subsections where I break down various plot points or characters, I’m just going to talk about one scene.

Through all the random scenes where Vin Diesel is doing something crazy or the crew itself is doing stupid shit or Charlize Theron is controlling approximately 87,000 cars at once via remote control, there was one scene that stood out above the rest. It involved Jason Statham, a baby, headphones, and an airplane. Because what better way to talk about the eighth film in a franchise that consistently one-ups itself than to frame-by-frame breakdown the most hilariously absurd scene in the entire franchise? Let’s get this started.

OH BABY

So, basically, the baby in the scene is Dom’s son. Big whoop. Statham did more fathering in this scene than Dom will ever do in his life. He ends up saving the baby from roughly seventeen bad guys and taking him directly to safety because Statham is a fucking boss and should be treated as such. Naturally, at the end of the movie, they named the baby after Brian which makes sense but also doesn’t make sense since, technically, Brian is alive in the franchise. That’s weird, right? No one else finds that weird?

I mean, technically Brian didn’t die in the franchise. Sure, Paul Walker passed away but the character itself didn’t. They even reference Brian and Mia during the film as not wanting to get them involved so it’s not as if Brian was ever really killed off. He was written out, yes, but not really removed in a more permanent capacity. Just seems weird, at least to me, to name the baby after someone who isn’t even dead or related by blood. Wouldn’t it have made more sense to name the child after Dom and Mia’s father? I dunno. I’m reading way too much into that part of it all, so let me just get going with the damn scene.

“THESE ASSHOLES AIN’T GONNA KILL THEMSELVES”

When Deckard Shaw (Jason Statham) and Owen Shaw (Luke Evans) fly aboard the plane of Cipher (Charlize Theron) using wing suits, you just knew you were going to get one kick ass scene. Little did we know we’d get the greatest scene of 2017. It all starts when Statham and Evans are in the cargo hold, just before Theron realizes they’re there. Statham literally looks at Evans and says, “these assholes ain’t gonna kill themselves.” I nearly fainted from excitement.

Theron sends down a bunch of henchmen after the Shaw brothers. When the door opens, Statham immediately shoots two baddies while Evans kills one coming down the staircase. The funniest thing about that opening sequence, though, might be the way the body on the staircase falls. Evans kills the guy and the dude just straight up rolls down the staircase like a sack of potatoes and then literally grunts as he bounces off the last step and onto the floor. People who just got shot and killed don’t grunt as they fall after they’re dead. But, in some sick twisted way, you have to actually commend that part of it all because it gives the scene some major added character to it that it would have otherwise lacked. Statham flat out double taps two henchmen as Evans shoots one and the one Evans shot gave the greatest death scene of the 21st century. Almost doesn’t seem fair to Statham.

As Statham goes down the hallway to find Cipher, he ends up shooting a third worthless henchman in the chest before – I kid you not – kneeing him in the face. Because once you shoot a guy twice in the chest and he falls to the ground, he’s not really dead unless you crush his nose with your knee. But rather than shoot the fourth henchman behind that previous one, Statham decides to get into a quick hand-to-hand combat with the guy. It ends with Statham landing one punch to the guy’s face and then driving said dude’s face into the cement wall.

After swiping two keycards at the same time, one by Evans and one by Statham, the latter proceeds into a room. Dom ends up getting a call on his phone, and it’s Statham telling him that he “has the package.” That’s when the real fun actually begins because now we get to have Statham and the baby joined together in a battle to save mankind from a supervillain that hacks into every database around the world in an instant. This scene set the tone for all other scenes, and I’m just not certain any of them will ever reach its greatness.

“ALRIGHT, GOVERNOR, IT’S GONNA GET NOISY ..”

After putting a headset on the baby and having him in a carrier slash car seat thingy, Statham picks up the child and starts to leave the room with a gun firmly planted in his hand. He’s here to kick ass, take names, and kiss babies. As he gets to the door, he checks on the baby one last time. He tells him it’s gonna be “a little scary but it’s gonna be a lot of fun.” You god damn right it is, Jason!

The fifth evil gun for hire dude shows up and scans his palm print on the door so as to gain access. The second the door slides open, Statham smashes him in the face with the butt of his gun and kicks him directly into a sixth henchman. Statham then drives the sixth henchman straight back into a beam and throws him against the wall of the plane. Henchman Number Seven and Henchman Number Eight start to shoot at him but Statham takes cover with the baby behind a wall as bullets go right over their heads. I don’t know if the two of them are being protected by some magical forcefield that makes them impervious and impenetrable to bullets but I also don’t give a rats ass because this is the single greatest shit I’ve ever seen in my 32 years of worthless existence on this third rock from the sun.

As they’re catching their breath, Statham asks the baby if the music is good and the baby just gives him a high five motion as if to say the music is flawless. The two evildoers run up to where Statham is planted in order to get the jump on him. However, a ninth henchman tries to take the world-class badass straight on and ends up getting shot to hell. As Statham turns the corner, he pops one dumbass to death and then kicks the other straight through a coffee table. That’s nine down – five with the baby in his arms.

To recap: Jason Statham boarded a plan with his brother in the film and then went on a rampage where he killed four men before even getting to where the baby was. After retrieving the child, he murdered another four dudes in some creative ways, while holding a fifth one in his grasp against an airplane wet bar, as the baby listened to happy tunes on a headset that was controlled by Statham’s fancy hi-tech watch. In essence, through the first part of this, Jason Statham is the single greatest stepfather in cinematic history.

“GOING FOR A RIDE”

As Statham holds one of the original nine dudes in his grasp against the wet bar, he shoots a tenth one that ran up on them. He then drags the face of the ninth guy through a crapton of glassware that causes the man to scream out in pain. I mean, who wouldn’t? After hitting the guy’s head on the wooden corner, which I’m assuming killed him, he drops the car seat down so he can kneel down and shoot an eleventh guy right in the dick and then turns and shoots a twelfth guy square in the chest.

Statham then looks down to the child, mutters that they’re “going for a ride” and proceeds to do one of the greatest things in action movie history. He front trips the eleventh guy, whom he shot in the nuts, and turns to shoot him in the chest with his last remaining bullet in the magazine. He then proceeds to go into gun-to-hand combat with two more villain dudes. As Statham proceeds to beat the everloving shit out of the two guys with the emptied pistol, he grabs a ceramic or metal circular object. I’m guessing it’s an ashtray based on the design. God help us all if it’s not, right? He then rams the object into the face of Henchman Number Thirteen. Statham turns to Guy Who Is About To Die Number Fourteen and snaps his wrist and arm just prior to tossing him effortlessly through a glass partition.

The murderous savant reloads his weapon at the end of all that and heads back over to the baby and asking where the smile is. The baby smiles and coos, and Statham gets super happy about it. Such a cute moment. A tender one. A fifteenth shitbag guy comes out of nowhere to shoot at our hero and the baby, but Statham turns his back to the guy in an effort to use his own body as a shield. All the bullets smack into his back body armor, and Statham then turns around a corner and shoots the guy in the stomach. Once the douche is on the ground, Statham calls him a “sick bastard” for wanting to shoot a baby. That’s when the shit gets real.

Our hero takes the baby, tells him he’s not going to want to see what’s about to happen, and then turns his attention back to Asshole Number Fifteen. Statham grabs the guy by the back of the head and rams his face into some bench thing four times while the baby listens to his lovely music. It’s a comical thing. It’s a brutal thing, but it’s a comical thing. After picking the baby back up, Statham sniffs the air and asks if the baby shit his diaper or if it was the bad guy he just bludgeoned to death. The baby side-eyes the henchman, and Statham smells the air once again and realizes it really was the guy as they head off down the hallway for more action.

“TOLD YOU THIS WOULD BE FUN”

As the final little faceoff between Deckard Shaw and Cipher seems like it’s about to take place, the front door to Cipher’s little mission control center in the plane opens up. As it does, we see Statham shooting one more hired gun, which brings the total up to sixteen. He then sets the baby down on the floor so that he can beat the living shit out of Cipher while the baby watches in gleeful exuberance. But, alas, Cipher was right. The flaw in Deckard’s plan was that she was the only one with a parachute.

Cipher opens up the side entry door to the plane, and the baby begins to slide towards it due to the suction of the wind as the plane depressurizes. Cipher jumps out, and Statham has to barrel roll over the top of the control center table thing in order to stop the baby from flying out of the plane. He then, as he’s laying on the floor, front kicks the button to close the door and thus ensure that the baby is safe for good. After doing so, he leans over to see the baby in the seat. The baby coos once again and Statham delivers a wink. A stepfather and a son. What a beautiful thing.

Out of all the movie scenes in all the ‘Fast and Furious’ franchise movies, I honestly think this was the best one. Sure, there have been a lot more unbelievable and wild scenes out there, but this one was just randomly fun because of how it was spliced together and shot. Plus, it had Jason Statham. If it weren’t for him, this entire film would have felt a tad hollow. He really brought the whole thing together with his character of someone who’s almost an overprotective brother to some degree, and it manifested itself with him and the baby as he became the guardian entrusted by Dom to keep the child safe. In the grand scheme of things, Dom could have chosen anyone else for that level of trust, but he chose a man whom he once sorta did battle with. The enemy of my enemy is my friend and all, sure, but Deckard Shaw is a national treasure that we need to respect and love. A real model human.

I have no earthly idea where the entire franchise goes from here, but I’m certain that Cipher will be back which means we’re going to get more of these little scenes between her goons and the squad that Dom puts together. But for this one, I’m glad we got to see Statham do some uber sick shit like keep a baby safe through a myriad of weirdos wanting to kill a child. He’s the ballsiest baller in the world after that entire display, and we love him for it. Bless you, Deckard Shaw.

Final Tally: 16 Henchman Faced, 16 Henchman Killed, 1 Baby Saved