Justin’s Movie Reviews Episode V: Beauty and the Beast

WHO’S FUCKING READY TO TALK ABOUT A MYTHICAL BEAST DANCING IN THE PALE MOONLIGHT LIKE A DEVIL MAN WITH A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN THAT HE TOOK PRISONER AFTER HE TOOK HER FATHER PRISONER? THIS FUCKING GUY IS!

Let’s. Talk. About. This. God. Damn. Movie.

Right off the bat, I’m going to spoil some shit for everyone. Josh Gad – who plays LeFou, or basically Gaston’s gay friend that’s not really gay but kinda is gay – is hands down the best god damn actor and character in this entire beastiality flick that ran two hours long and made me realize that I still don’t know how to spell the word ‘beastiality’ properly but god dammit I’m just gonna leave it as is.

Gad not only delivers hilarious lines, but you also start to empathize with him. Gaston, that rapey son of a bitch, basically is a giant douchebag that makes other douchebags look tame by comparison. And poor LeFou. Poor, sweet, innocent LeFou. He stands by his man. That is, until he realizes how full of shit Gaston is and decides to take up arms with the help – i.e. houseware – to overthrow Gaston and his rapist wit.

The best part in that entire movie might be when Gad is singing about how awesome and amazing Gaston happens to be, and then he can’t remember how to actually spell Gaston’s name because, as he puts it, “I’m illiterate and I’ve never actually had to spell it out loud before.” I don’t know why, but it was just pure fucking genius and something that gave life to a character that you probably wouldn’t otherwise think about. Gad was marvelous.

Anyways, we got some real shit to get to from here on out. So, let’s hoof it.


WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT SOME OF THESE PEOPLE

The plot literally revolves around a dipshit prince who was vain and gave zero fucks about anyone else, a nerdy girl, her eccentric father, and a rapist. We’re going to need to dissect this little plot for a moment, so bear with me on this because it’s going to get a little dicey and a little fucked up.

First, there’s a douchebag prince who only cares about himself and wants to get laid all the time. He only cares how people look. In short: he’s vain. He’s no Charles Vane (R.I.P. noble king, *kisses fingers*), that’s for certain, but he’s still a massive shitbag. Some enchantress dressed as an old woman breaks into his house and demands lodging or something, and he basically just laughs her off because he’s hideous. She then puts a spell on him, turns him into a hideous beast, and traps him in his castle.

Before we go any further, can we talk for a second about how fucked up it is that a stranger can come bursting into YOUR house and DEMAND help, and then when you’re like, “ehhhh nah I’m good” they just put a curse on you? How dickish is that? Like, it’s his house! She broke into his house and went crazy on him. Total shit move, ya know?

Okay, so anyways, moving on. There’s Belle, who is a nerdy girl that’s into books and her town makes fun of her because she knows how to read. No, I’m not kidding. They literally poke fun at her for knowing how to read and using soap to wash her laundry. God the French are fucking weird. So Belle is into books, and then there’s a rapist that is interested in her after he comes back from some war where he probably jerked off after killing people.

Gaston is just a major shitheel. He’s definitely a rapist, he treats his friends like shit, and he only cares about himself. There’s a scene where he tries to kinda back down Belle into a corner until she just agrees to marry him. Not date. Marry. The balls on this fucking guy, huh? His death was so great, only because it meant we didn’t have to see him anymore. In the hierarchy of asshole villains from movies, Gaston is easily top five.

Not to mention, mind you, that he actually tries to throw Belle’s father in an insane asylum because Gaston lies about trying to kill the father, which he totally did because he’s a son of a bitch. He left her father out there to die at the hands of wolves. His death was warranted. My only wish was that he had died slower. He deserved a slow death.

Long story short: Belle’s father goes to deliver a package, a tree falls, he goes down a path that leads to the castle, takes a rose which pisses off Beast, and then he gets imprisoned by Beast. That leads to Belle finding the castle after the father’s horse comes back to get her. Belle then takes her father’s place, eventually falls in love with Beast thanks to Stockholm Syndrome, and they live happily ever after once they fight off the townsfolk and restore all the houseware back to their human form. Bing bang boom.


WE ALSO NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS ‘BEAST’

I don’t get how anyone can even like this guy. At all. He’s a total dick. He was all about himself, which is why he got cursed in the first place. His entire life ended up getting tied to a rose that was slowly wilting away. If the rose died before he found ‘true love’ then he was fucked. In the end, thanks to a stroke of luck he ends up wooing Belle despite his appearance and he ends up turning back into a normal douche-looking prince instead of a kind of cool-looking monster.

The big reveal was actually dope because it made Belle look a tad shocked and repulsed by his looks, but it also gave Beast a little bit of humanity in the face to still try to come across as caring. Just look at it.

It’s not that Beast himself was an asshole, but rather the entire concept of him somehow changing his entire persona was just flat out bullshit. The guy only changed because he got cursed. He was never going to change without that happening, and then the movie brought in like this repressed daddy issue thing that was totally stupid and made no sense. They basically justified the prince being a dickbag by saying his dad was why. What a crock of crap.

Are we even sure that Beast actually was a changed man – err, creature? Or did we just convince ourselves of that because we all want true love to be a thing even though we know beastiality is wrong? I’m cool with those who think he actually changed, but holy shit give me some reasoning other than a beautiful woman somehow magically made him realize the power of animal boners is strong. Please. Thank you.


BEST LINE OF THE MOVIE

It was delivered by Cogsworth, and it was: “Someone turn me back into a clock please!”

The quote came right after Cogsworth, who was a clock, happened to see his wife turn back into human form. It was such a dick line but also really hilarious. And it wasn’t until that moment that I realized it was Ian McKellen actually delivering the line! Yeah, this was a stacked cast of actors and actresses, and I flat out didn’t realize it until the second the movie was ending. But McKellen delivered the best line of the entire movie because he’s the man.


RANDOM TIDBITS

Seriously, the cast was fantastic. It had Emma Watson, who was mystifyingly superb. She was absolutely delightful and should win some kind of award. She was just great. Also joining Watson were Luke Evans, who played the rapist Gaston, Josh Gad, Kevin Kline, Dan Stevens, Ewan McGregor, McKellen, Emma Thompson, Audra McDonald, Hattie Morahan, and the incomparable Stanley Tucci. It was an all-star cast.

If I could have changed one little thing, I think it would have been that there would have been a post-credits scene where the enchantress visits Gaston in the rubble of the castle and brings him back to life while putting a curse on him to live out the rest of his days as a hideous street beggar. That’d have been fucking perfect.

I know I didn’t spend much time on the random stuff like the teacups, candleholder, and clock, but whatever. They were cool and fun but weren’t really the story. It was all about the kidnapper and his female victim. I feel bad for Belle when looking back because her two choices for a male suitor were a rapist and a kidnapper. That’s a tough god damn place to be in as an eligible bachelorette.


FINAL RATING
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

It’s going to seem like a shitty thing to hold against the movie, but I’ve still never been a fan of the rose being the symbolism for true love and I’ve never been a fan of how rapey this movie always seems to be. Even the cartoon version was like this. And I get why it’s like this, but good grief it’s a woman at the center of the movie, not a piece of meat. Weirdos.

In the end, it has a lot of re-watch potential just because of Emma Watson and Josh Gad. So good. So, so good. Heavens bless them.